Promise to love again
by Shaeric Draconis
Summary: Zell loses someone dear to him and must learn to cope with it. Original Charater death, Shounenai Sq x Z
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from Final Fantasy VIII, Squaresoft does.  If I did then ****Zell would be ****ALL mine!**

**Warning: Spoilers if you have never played the game. Mild language, Original character death, Shounen-ai.**

**Pairing: Squall x Zell of course – who else…Geez!**

**Rating: R – Just in case**

**Dedication: This story is for my dearest friend ****Lizette (Moggy Poo) who loves Zell and Squall as much as I do.  Thanks for caring and being there.**

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Brilliant blue eyes watched intently as the blue dragon cast death upon him.  He smirked to himself, fool; he had one hundred death magic junctioned to his status defence.  The angel of death appeared with his scythe slashing towards him.  Zell felt the darkness wrap around him, closing in on him then seep through his body.  Zell shivered hating this feeling even when it had no affect on him.  He has tasted death many times and it was a feeling he would never get used to.

Bouncing on the heel of his feet, his fist raised and his eyes trained on the target he ran forward like a ball of flame.  Ifrit gave him extra strength and he used it to his advantage as his body flew in the air his fists and feet striking like lightning, hitting the target with successive blows.  He was golden light with streaks of blue, red and black; his tattoo seemed to glow as he finally gave the death blow to the blue dragon.

His team mates sighed with relief and jumped in the air.  It was their first real fight against a high level monster.

Zell nodded at them his thoughts on his home.  His second home, the garden.  He was getting married.  Zell to Alexis.  He smiled sadly at this, he loved her but…Forget it Zell just forget it.

He looked around him.  The island Closest to Heaven was one of the most dangerous training ground for any seed but it was also the best place to pick up rare items to upgrade their weapons.  He sighed missing his friends they were all split up on different missions.

Commander Squall was in Esthar, Selphie and Irvine were in Trabia, of course, Rinoa in Deling as she had finally become a fully-fledged seed.  As for Quistis she was the new Head mistress, Squall had turned it down and Zell was glad.

"Captain there is a call coming through for you, it is urgent sir."

Zell nodded.  He still found it hard to believe that he was a Captain now.  He did not want the promotion but Squall pestered him until he got fed up with hearing his friend going on about it.  Smiling he put the headphones on.  "Quistis?"

"Zell, the Ragnarok will be picking you up at 1600 hours."

Zell frowned looking down at his watch, "That is five minute's away.  Wassup?"

"I will inform you once you arrive back at the garden.  Come straight to my office Zell."

"Sure."  Whatever was going on it sounded official.  He looked up as the Ragnarok began to land.  "I'll be there soon, my ride has just arrived."

"Good.  Seifer will be taking charge of this mission.  I will see you in ten Zell.  Bye."

Quistis never changed, she was still abrupt and to the point.  Shrugging he headed to their tent and began to pack what little gear he had.  He turned to the seed standing beside him; "Aiden Seifer is the Captain for this mission now I am needed back at the Garden."

"Yes sir."

Zell rolled his eyes.  "Give it a rest man.  Geez."

Aiden grinned he liked Zell, they all did.  He was a likeable person besides being one of the famous six.  "Yes sir!"

Walking towards the Ragnarok Zell ignored him and smiled as a tall blonde disembarked.  "Hey DH!"

"Hi Zell."  Seifer stopped in front of him looking thoughtful.

Staring back at him Zell's eyes widened.  "Ya not feeling well Seifer?"

"Sorry, I mean CW."

Angling his head Zell could see that something was wrong and it was making him nervous.  "Seifer what is going on?"

Seifer stiffened shaking his head, "there is nothing going on, I am just tired.  Quistis has told me what is going on here; you are to report to the headmistress the moment you arrive.  I suggest you leave now."

Zell's heart was beating faster than normal.  "Alright.  Good luck with the mission I will catch with ya later."  Something was wrong.  Was it his Ma?  He began running to the Ragnarok trying to calm himself down as he could feel panic rising in his chest.

Seifer watched the petite blonde and wished that Squall was back at the garden but it could not be help.  "My thoughts are with you Zell, even though you won't believe it, my thoughts go with you."  He turned seeing a raven haired male saluting him.  He smirked at this.  Am I going to have fun here or what.

Zell settled himself on the ship but was unable to sit still and began to jab at the air in front of him the other seeds looking at him nervously.  _What the fuck is wrong with everyone?  Have I done something that I shouldn't have?  The mission was okay, boring but okay.  No one had died, though on this type of mission it was a possibility.  Even Seifer was acting weird, mind you he is weird.  Zell grinned at this._

"We have arrived sir.'

Picking up his gear Zell smiled warily then began to jog of the ship.  As soon as he entered garden there was no stopping him.  His curiosity was aroused.  He ran to the elevator banging on the button, dread running through him.  Something was very wrong.  He felt it the moment he entered the garden.  Upon reaching the headmistress door he knocked and walked in.

"Alright Quisty what is going on?"

Standing up Quistis paled gripping her hands together tightly.  "Zell it is bad news I am afraid."

Zell felt a sharp pain in the pit of his stomach, the colour draining from his face as he swallowed hard.  "What is it?"

Quistis walked towards him slowly and watched as he flinched stepping backwards.

"Just tell me what the HELL IS GOING ON QUISTY!"  He did not mean to yell but he was frightened.  Fear gripping him by the throat.

"It is Alexis Zell; she was hurt badly while she was on a mission."

He dropped his bags on the ground his body tense.  Alexis.  He felt dizzy but shook his head.  "Where is she?"

"She is in the infirmary with Doctor Kadowaki."

Without another word Zell opened the door ready to step out.

"Zell she has a choice."  Quisty held her head high.  This was one part of her job that she hated doing, especially when it involved her friends.

Dull blue eyes looked at her coolly his voice just as dull, "What do ya mean choice?"

Quistis stepped towards him again but stopped as soon as he put up his hand to stop her.  "Don't come near me Quisty…please."

She nodded with understanding, she did not like the way Zell was handling it.  "Alexis has a choice to live or die Zell…"

His eyes flashing with anger he snapped coldly, "What the hell are ya talking about?  No choice is needed she will live of course!"

Quistis shook her head, "it is not as simple as that Zell.  If she lives she will never be the same again.  Alexis was severely wounded, she was attacked by a Ruby Dragon and has extensive burns to her body from its fire breath attack, she was then attacked by its tail…"

_Oh my God!  Alexis baby.  "Take me too her now!"  As far as he was concerned they were wasting valuable time.  He will know the moment he sees her what the decision will be.  He knew in his heart that it was not his too make, it would be hers in the end.  He followed Quistis neither one speaking.  He thanked Hyne that she was not the type that wanted to hug and hold him because it was the last thing he wanted._

The walk to the infirmary felt like it was miles away, as he felt and saw nothing.  Strange really he was not even aware of how he arrived there.  His heart thudded heavily against his chest and kept calm as Doctor Kadowaki looked at him.  "Well Doc?"

"Go in Zell but I must warn you she is sever…"

"Save it Doc, Quisty already told me."  He was like a statue not wanting any emotion to touch him yet.

Looking at him shrewdly she beckoned for him to enter the patient's room.  "She is waiting for you."

Taking a deep breath Zell forced a smile on his face and entered Alexis room.  He wanted to hit something when he saw her.  His fiancée was lying there, her flesh burnt red and peeling, her face was twisted in pain, and what he could see of her body…He swallowed; it looked like something had taken a big bite out of her.  Zell bit his lip and took a deep breath.  Be strong for her Zell; don't make it hard for her.

He placed a smile on his face and walked towards her saying softly, "Hey baby."

Green eyes gazed at him, pain lurking in the emerald depths.  "Z-e-l-l."  Her tears began to fall so relieved to see him.  "Zell I am scared."

He rushed to her side grabbing her free hand and cooed as she winced with pain, "I am sorry baby."

"Don't be sorry Zell."  She tried to smile but cried instead, saying almost a whisper, "The pain is so great Zell.  Doctor Kadowaki has tried everything to heal me, but there is not enough tissue in my body to…to--"

He hardened his heart against himself.  It was not about him, it was about her.  "What do you want to do Alexis?"

"Even if she heals me and there is no guarantee that she can, my time would be limited and I will forever be in pain and will need 24 hour nursing."  She squeezed his hand lightly.  "You know how independent I am, I could not stand it Zell, it is not my way."

His emotions he buried deep inside of him.  She was asking him to let her go.  His thoughts were strangling him.  I did not love her enough.  I only half loved her and this is my punishment.  Hyne knows I tried to love her fully but…but he couldn't and now she was dying.

He closed his eyes burying his tears and opened them again.  She was asking for his permission to die.  He wanted to scream out NO!  Every fibre in his being was saying NO!

Instead he leant forward and kissed her pale lips, his thumb caressing her hand tenderly.  He then put his mouth close to her ear whispering, "Baby I love you and I want you to be free."

His heart missed a beat as she smiled at him, her green depths full of love for him.  She was so beautiful and she was going to leave him.

"I love you Zell, never once did you ever make me feel sad…not once.  Thank you for being strong for me Zell."  She began to cry again knowing the pain she was putting him through.  Better to end it now then later.  "Promise me Zell that you will open yourself to be loved again.  Promise me now."

He shrugged.  "Sure."

"Zell?!"

Zell half smiled, "I promise Alexis."

She nodded as tiredness rushed through her body, she could feel her spirit slowly leaving her body.  She tried not to panic wanting to yell out, _I want to live!  Instead she whispered only for her lovers ears, "Hold me Zell, hold me until I am free."_

Hopping on the bed beside her they both ignored the awkwardness of Zell trying to hold her without hurting her, in the end she wrapped her arms around his waist, ignoring the pain and laid her head on his chest.  The sound of his heartbeat bringing her peace as darkness seeped through her body.  She sighed as a bright light shone in front of her, beckoning her to come forward.  She laughed gaily and looked behind her, staring at the beautiful male with golden hair and sky blue eyes.  _I am free._

Zell felt the tears running down his cheek, her body so lifeless in his arms.  He shook his head refusing to let her go as he rocked her body back and forth.  "Alexis you are free baby."

Doctor Kadowaki walked in the droning sound of the heart beat monitor letting her know that the patient was dead.  She was used to this situation but when she looked at Zell she knew it had affected him more than he was willing to show.  She just hoped that his friends would be able to help him through this, it was a shame that most of them were on missions because whether he wanted to believe it or not, Zell needed them.

***

Quistis requested for Squall to return and would send the Ragnarok when he was ready.  She had told him what had happened and it was Squall who said that he wanted to return now.  She smiled to herself.  He had changed especially towards Zell; there friendship had blossomed even more since the death of Ultimecia two years ago.  A closeness between the young teenagers that surprised them all.

Squall was ice and Zell was fire.  One was the moon the other was the sun.  One was winter the other was summer.  Complete opposites and inseparable when they were together.

She did not tell Squall the real reason she had requested for him to come back to base.  Zell was like a zombie since Alexis death and even when they buried her he had not cried or shown any emotion.  He just walked around like a lost child, only eating when she made him eat something.  "Hurry back Squall, Zell needs you."

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With impatience Squall watched as they loaded the ship tapping his foot.  Laguna smiled to himself, his son will never change but at least there relationship was smoother than what it had been.  There was a lot of bitterness on Squall's part but Laguna understood why.  With the help of his two friends, Kiros and Ward they made it easier for the father and son to bond.

As the crew loaded the last of the Rosetta stones, Moonstones and other rare items, Squall sighed, "Thank bloody Hyne."  He turned to his father and his friends.  "I will come back as soon as I can."  He smiled softly, "I will bring Zell with me."

Laguna watched his son carefully.  It was the way Squall had smiled.  It was almost…

"Dad?"

Laguna shook himself.  "Sorry I was--"

"In dreamland again."  Kiros smiled and patted his friend on the shoulder.  "We are used to you now."

He ignored him.  "Zell is more than welcome to come here.  This place needs a bit of livening up especially since the people around me are always serious."

Kiros arched an eyebrow.  "We have to with you around.  Don't we Ward."

The big man nodded rolling his eyes.

Squall smiled to himself.  His father would be alright and Zell needed him.  To be honest he missed Zell terribly and thought of him often.  He missed him more than he missed Rinoa.  Come on Squall the sooner you say goodbye the sooner you will see him.  He nodded to the three men saying coolly, "Bye."  He waved once and headed inside the ship.

The three older men looked at one another shrugging there shoulders.  Kiros smiled at his friend, "At least he said bye this time."  They all laughed shaking there heads.  Squall was Squall and they wouldn't change him for anything.

He walked around the ship as it brought back memories.  Memories of how he had rescued Rinoa from the deep dark space.  How they shared a moment with one another, when he admitted that he had loved her to himself.  He sat down and leaned his arms on his legs his head bowed.  Something had changed inside of him since then and it started when they were fighting against Ultimecia.  She had chosen him, Rinoa and Zell.  When they were fighting the third battle against Ultimecia junctioned with Griever both Zell and Rinoa had fallen.  And all he thought of was bringing Zell back to life, the pain he felt when he saw the petite blond lying there lifeless and unmoving.  It was a desecration to the energetic spirit of Zell that Squall would neither accept nor condone.  His next action was to give him full life and felt the happiness rush through him as Zell came to life and began to bounce on the heel of his feet.

No one said anything about that moment, no one.  But Squall always thought about it.  He thought about that and the moment Zell had told him he was going to marry Alexis.  He was happy for his friend really happy but he could never explain the tension he would get every time she hugged or touched Zell.  And he was not sure if he was ready to understand now either.

Zell needed him as a friend now, and as Hyne is his witness he will be there for him.

TBC


	2. Feelings of love, feelings of guilt

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from Final Fantasy VIII, Squaresoft does.  This story is from my head and there is no way they would even think of doing this to their characters.**

**Warning: Spoilers if you have never played the game.  Mild language, Shounen-ai for now, angst.**

**Pairing: Squall x Zell**

**Rating: R – Later will become lemon**

**Author Note: Thank you Redrum for your review and comments on my fics all of them I do appreciate it; I only posted chapter two here on FF.net (I wasn't going to) because of you so this chapter is for you with the blessing of my dear friend Moggies.  I have noticed your name everywhere supporting and reviewing other authors so I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

**Dedication: This story is for my dearest friend (Moggies) who loves Zell and Squall as much as I do.  Thanks for caring and being there.**

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**Feelings of guilt, feelings of love**

I miss…Zell bit his lip, aimlessly walking, he had no idea in what direction he was going, all he knew was he had to keep moving these feelings and emotions churning deep inside of him.

I miss…he chewed his bottom lip nervously; I-I miss…him so much.  Zell felt ashamed at this thought but it was the truth, he missed Squall and it seemed to eat away at him, the guilt flooding through him like a tidal wave.  He felt the hot burning sensation behind his eyes but he refused to cry and let this emotion free, he deserved to feel like shit, he deserved to feel guilty because he _was guilty of not loving Alexis enough._

She made him promise to love again, how could he when he was already in love with someone else before her, someone he felt closer to than anyone else.

He stopped suddenly as he stared at the big grey doors that led into the training centre, hesitating, he shook his head and slowly opened them not really caring about anything.  He jumped, as they slammed shut behind him, his pale face looking tired and haggard.

Taking a deep breath he clapped his gloved hands together feeling secure that he was wearing them, he needed to do something, to feel useful because the guilt was beginning to get to him.

Alexis should have had all of his love but no, Zell could only give her a part of him because the rest of him belonged to Squall and he hated himself for it.  He hated the fact that he had betrayed her that way, she did not deserve it, no she deserved everything but he had short-changed her.

This emotion fired through him making him angry and he inhaled with determination as a Trex charged for him.

With concentration he raised his fists his feet dancing as the adrenaline and Ifrit coursed through his body like quicksilver.  He quickly flipped backwards as the Trex jaws came clamping towards his body then ran towards the monster his eyes lighting up dangerously, the cerulean orbs almost black.  This is the only time he felt alive, the only time he could forget his guilt.

He swayed but shook himself, he hasn't eaten very well lately, and food just won't stay inside of him.  Rushing forward he did a couple of forward flips then somersaulted into the air his fist connecting to the Trex at lightning speed.  He did this a couple of times and went flying as the tail of the Trex finally connected with him flinging him backwards.

With a groan he laid there but knew he had to get moving as the stomping of the Trex became closer, moving in time he just missed having his head bitten of, this one action making Zell furious as he charged the Trex to finish him off. 

Again he was just lightning movements his body refusing to stop even when the monster had fallen to the ground, he was taking all his anger and guilt out on the dead Trex.

Zell suddenly collapsed as exhaustion overtook him his eyes closing for a moment then he opened them to stare at his gloved hands not believing the amount of blood he saw there.  He stared with fascination unable to move, his body trembling uncontrollably.

He wanted to cry but again he refused his hands clenching tightly, he made himself stand and wiped his hands on his white tank top the sweat glistening on his face as he wiped his forehead.

Slowly he walked away towards the door; he just hoped that he would make it back to his room he was so tired.

Slamming the door behind him he made his way to the dormitory his eyes blurring the walls swirling around him.  _Fuck you are an idiot Zell; you don't want anyone to find you like this, he could hear footsteps but couldn't see anyone as he tried to focus his eyes._

Leaning heavily against the wall he took a deep breath, "pull yourself together you bloody wimp, do it now!"  His speech had no affect on him the footsteps getting closer and louder.

He pushed himself of from the wall nearly falling over as he staggered then forced himself to straighten.

"Zell!"

Oh God not Squall, please not Squall.  I don't want him to see me like this, a weak wimp.

Squall could only stare in disbelief at his friend, the blood was all over his shirt and face but it was not just this, Zell had lost a lot of weight his clothes just hanging of him.  His hair was flat and lifeless but it was his eyes that touched him the most, the normally bright blue depths were dull and lifeless.

He could see Zell was about to fall over and nimbly caught him.  "Damn it Zell what have you been up to?"

"I--" the words refused to come out as relief and happiness shot through him followed by guilt, Squall was finally home and he wanted to cry at this but buried his head into his hands with shame, falling into Squall's arms as they wrapped around him.

"Come on Zell you need a shower," concern showing in his eyes.

All Zell could do was nod leaning heavily against Squall.

They were both silent as they finally reached his room.  Keying in Zell's password Squall dragged his friend through the door relieved to see it shut behind them, he did not want anyone else to see Zell this way, to see him lost and lifeless.

He shook him his eyes bright with anger, "Next time you do this Zell I won't be answerable for what I will do to you, now get in there and have a shower while I make you a hot drink?"

Surprised Zell looked at him a small smile tugging at his lips saying hoarsely, "Okay."

"Good, now go you smell," his nose twitching from the sweat and blood that covered Zell's body.

Zell nodded heading for the shower room stripping of his clothes as he walked.  Stepping into the shower stall he turned it on sighing as the hot spray began to caress his body, his thoughts wandering to the young man in his kitchen.  Squall, his heart beating a lot faster at the concern he had clearly seen in his friends stormy eyes, it…it was nice.

Grabbing his apple shampoo he massaged his scalp and swayed as tiredness hit him again, he refused to succumb to sleep he just wanted to have a few moments with Squall no matter how wrong it was.

Squall checked Zell's cupboards frowning, his cupboards were almost bare but at least he had soup, chicken soup.  From what Quistis had said his friend has not been eating properly but he only had to look at Zell to know this.  He was too thin and Squall was going to make sure that Zell was going to eat properly amongst other things.

He looked up as Zell walked towards the couch wearing only silky black pyjama pants, which surprised Squall.  After all the time he has known his friend he never imagined Zell to be the type to wear silk and Squall could only wonder why this tingling sensation shot up his spine. His stormy gaze moved to his torso the golden skin and toned abs and chest, he may have lost weight and was thinner but Zell still had a beautiful body.

Turning away abruptly he picked up the cup of soup and handed it too Zell.  "Drink it."

Grabbing it Zell slowly lifted the cup taking a sip screwing his face, forcing himself not to spit it back in his cup, Squall wasn't the commander for nothing; you obeyed him or else.  After a few more sips he felt a little better his stomach not rejecting it like he thought it would.  He leaned backwards the comfort of the couch surrounding him making him drowsy, he felt safe and secure knowing Squall was here so he closed his eyes.

Squall sat beside him the silence getting to him, he was too used to Zell making conversation and bouncing around shadow boxing.  Maybe he should have returned sooner and to hell with the mission, it has been three weeks since the death of Alexis.  Zell really loved her.  Why did this irk him?  Whether he wanted too or not this really bothered him a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach everytime he thought about it.

He suddenly tensed as Zell's head leaned against his shoulder, "Zell?"

He looked down and smiled when he realised Zell had fallen asleep the cup still held in his grip.  Taking the cup from his hand he placed it on the coffee table and wrapped his arm around the smaller boy's shoulders pulling him closer against him, Zell murmuring softly.

Squall rested his chin on Zell's head, his silky hair smelling of apples.  He nuzzled the silky softness with his eyes closed, Zell smelled wonderful and he kept breathing him deeper into himself the feeling of warmth spreading through his body.

_This is a dangerous game you are playing Squall one where you could get hurt.  Well to hell with it, ignoring his conscience, it is not as if I am doing anything wrong, I am just comforting a friend.  __Sure you are.  Fuck you!  Now he was arguing with himself, not a good or sane sign at all._

This was getting ridiculous and Squall decided to put Zell to bed before he did something else stupid like stay here on the couch holding the petite one all night long.  As tempting as it sounded he decided against it because he was getting a little nervous with this feeling that was slowly overtaking him.

Standing he lifted Zell into his arms and frowned at how light he was, he was like a small child in his arms who was very cuddly, Zell nuzzling into Squall's neck, his warm breath caressing softly over Squall's skin.

Squall swallowed and made himself walk towards the bedroom, laying the precious bundle down and covering him with a sheet his hand caressing the tattoo that he has come to love and recognise as a part of Zell.

It was a vibrant symbol in black that branched out in different directions drawing the eyes towards the boy who was the epitome of golden brightness and fiery energy that surrounded you with heat and light, so much heat that when you walked away from it you felt the chill of the distance.  Squall was not sure what the others thought but this is how he felt, his fingertips tracing it gently, smiling softly as Zell moaned.

Leaning down he kissed Zell's forehead then the tip of his nose; his own rubbing against it, then his trembling lips hovered above Zell's.  What the _fuck are you doing Squall?!  Are you crazy or something?!_

He straightened up smartly flicking the lamp of walking away, more like running away from this damn feeling that was now irritating him.  Zell was just a friend nothing else!  A frown marred the beautiful sculptured face of the commander as he walked out of Zell's room without looking back.

***

**Zell's Room**

With a start Zell sat up regretting that motion instantly his head swimming making him lie down again, sweat glistening of his body.  His room was in complete darkness, lightning flashing in the sky but it was not this that had woken him, it was the dream…nightmare that he has been having night after night since Alexis died.

The bloodied image of Alexis flashed the same time the lightning did his hand quickly switching his lamp on.  Sitting up he pushed his back right up against the corner of the wall trembling, thunder rumbling, shaking the walls vibrating through him his eyes flitting around the room nervously, until they finally rested on the clock.

2.55 a.m. it flashed at him, telling him he should be asleep.

He closed his eyes wishing Squall was here, he felt safe and secure when he sat beside him on the couch his body shutting down automatically knowing he was close.  He leaned back his head now resting against the wall, "looks like another long sleepless night," he whispered wishing that the nightmares would stop.

He could not handle the accusation the guilt that he drowned in when he closed his eyes, the way Alexis stood there her body bloodied and torn, the rotting flesh hanging of her, her pointing finger dripping with blood her green eyes glowing the words slurring as she spoke, "you cheated and lied to me Zell.  You are a liar Zell…a liar…" the words repeating over and over until it nearly drove him mad.

Zell gasped as a single tear made its way down his pale cheek, he clenched his teeth together tightly holding the rest back with pure determination.  Don't you dare fucking cry Zell; you don't deserve the release.

Flinging his sheet back he slipped of his bed walking towards the kitchen moving around in the darkness opening the fridge the dull light blinking as the sky outside flashed and thundered the storm swirling around the Garden.

He turned to make a pot of coffee to keep him awake; there was no way in hell he was going back to sleep now.  He decided to switch a light on this was his problem and he will work it out for himself.

***

**Squall's Room**

A moan slipped passed his lips as hands began to touch him, his own hands caressing up and down, the feel of satiny skin making him rub himself against his lover, his erection confined within his boxers the urgency to feel skin against skin being his main object.  He began to kiss the hot skin his tongue swirling tasting the spice and musk of the flesh the aroma of apple tantalising his senses.  For a split second he hesitated, apples seemed familiar to him but his mind was hazed with sensual pleasure.

He groaned as a hand slipped beneath the waistband of his boxers, wrapping around his penis, slowly stroking.  His hips bucked his own hands searching hungrily, caressing well toned muscles, his lips kissing a swan like neck, his fevered body wanting to bury itself into his lover and thrust until they reached their zenith.

Hungrily he began to kiss the hot lips their tongues darting in and out of each other's mouth, sharing saliva as he whispered his lover's name, Zell—

ZELL!

Squall's eyes blinked opened quickly his body arched releasing white fluid into his shorts as he groaned with the pleasurable release.

He slumped back onto his bed stunned.  Lying there he realised the hand wrapped around his cock was his own but it was not this that had him worried, it was the fact that he had a wet dream involving himself with Zell.

He sat up biting his bottom lip; what the hell is the matter with you?  You are supposed to be having wet dreams about Rinoa, not about Zell and why doesn't it bother you as much as it should?

Shrugging this unwanted feeling away he flung his covers to one side looking at the time, 5.30 a.m. time to get up and besides he felt uncomfortable, his boxers sticking to him still damp from his semen.

Grabbing his clothes and a towel he blanked his mind completely not ready to deal with this new feeling that he was having towards Zell.  It was a complication that he was not sure he needed in his life right now and Rinoa what about her?

Fuck what a mess!

Shutting the door behind him he turned the shower on as he stripped, his body sliding beneath the water welcoming the hot spray his mind confused as he tried not to think about him.

He leaned his forehead against the coolness of the wall closing his eyes, this has got to stop now, you don't need the complication and neither does Zell.

Grabbing the soap he lathered his body then shampooed his hair, the scent of strawberry wafting around him.  He turned the shower of then briskly dried himself.  He grabbed his favourite gear, leather pants and jacket with fur on the collar and a white top and black leather boots.

He looked at his reflection in the mirror his eye's looking very grey today as he brushed his hand through his hazelnut hair.

Walking out of the shower his hair still damp Squall looked at the time again, 5.45 a.m. the usual time Zell woke up.  He was going to make sure that he had something to eat before he dealt with all the paper work concerning the mission he had just finished.  As boring as it was he knew it had to be done and he knew Zell would hate it if he followed him around like a shadow.

Briskly walking he shut his door and knocked on Zell's waiting patiently.  Now keep calm and whatever you do don't think about the dream.  He nodded to himself, his face stoic and calm.

The door opened Zell smiling tiredly at him his eyes sparked with life for a moment then it died.

Catching his breath Squall stood there staring at the way he was dressed, Zell was wearing black baggy jeans and a black jumper with a turtle neck his golden hair falling like silk around his head making him look beautiful.  Squall swallowed hard trying to get his equilibrium back his voice quavering, "morning Zell."

Zell stepped aside to let him in, "morning."

"Breakfast?"

Zell thought about lying but shook his head instead.

Pushing pass his friend Squall went straight to the kitchen to re-heat the soup from last night.  "Did you sleep well last night?"

Biting his lip Zell took a deep breath, "Yeah."

"Good.  You need bread for toast make sure you get some today."

"Yes ma."

Smirking Squall grabbed Zell's soup walking over to him, "Sit and drink."

Rolling his eyes Zell took the cup sitting down taking a sip.

Pouring himself a coffee Squall sat down across from Zell.  "What are you doing today?" His stormy eyes slyly looked at his friend from his face to finally rest upon the blonde's hands that were so powerful and yet delicate.  The hands that he dreamt about this morning touching his…

"I was thinking of going to the train--"

Squall shook himself saying sharply, "No!  You are not allowed near the training centre until I say so."

Frowning Zell's eyes sparked angrily, "I'm not a bloody invalid!"

Squall arched a perfect eyebrow.  "I didn't say you were, however, after last night you are prohibited from going near the training centre…understood?"  He looked at him warningly watching as the blonde pouted; he looked like a spoilt child.

"Understood."

"Good, I have paper work today so I will meet you for lunch in the cafeteria; if you don't turn up I will come looking for you."

"Am I under house arrest or something?"  Geez I'm glad he's back but for crying--

"No but if you don't eat properly yes you will be."

Zell threw his hands up in exasperation, "Fine, am I allowed out of my room?"

Standing Squall smirked, "I am not even going to answer that just stay away from the training centre."

Washing his cup Squall stood still then turned to his friend saying softly, "I'm sorry about Alexis Zell and--" he walked towards him putting his hand on his shoulder, "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you."

His hands clenched Zell swallowed hard just nodding, loving the way Squall was touching him.  He trembled and bit his lip to stop the tears that were threatening to fall and tasted blood.

"Zell, are you alright?"

Cerulean orbs stared straight into grey depths; "I-I'm fine now that you are here."  He quickly looked away when he realised what he had said wanting to kick himself.  Shit Zell what the fucks the matter with you?  Squall will kick your ass if you get too familiar with him.

His eyes widened as he was suddenly crushed against a solid chest the smell of strawberry overwhelming him, Squall smelled delicious but what the hell was he doing?

Squall on the other hand had no idea, he had this sudden urge to hold him in his arms and before he could stop himself he acted upon it.  What made it worse he smelled Zell's hair again nuzzling the golden silk tresses.  Taking a deep breath he let him go.

"I will see you at lunch time."

Zell could only nod again at a loss for words.  Squall only feels sorry for you Zell so don't go thinking it means anything else.  He watched as Squall left closing the door softly behind him.

"I am glad you are back Squall I j-just wish Alexis was here so she would forgive me for not loving her enough."  He dropped onto the couch looking straight-ahead blankly the guilt overtaking him once again, why won't this feeling go away? Why?

***

Signing the last page Squall sighed with relief, now he could spend more time with Zell.  Standing and stretching he bundled the papers together in a neat pile ready to be sent to Quistis.

He heard a soft knock on his office door and walked over opening it.  "Quistis."

"Squall, I need to talk to you," her look solemn.

"Sure."  He stepped aside and watched her until she sat down.  "What is it?"

Crossing her legs she placed her hands in her lap staring at him squarely, "Zell."

Frowning Squall sat across from her, "What about Zell?"

"I don't think he is sleeping well."

"What makes you say that?"

Smiling she found herself staring at her handsome friend, his shiny silky hazelnut hair partially covering his beautiful face.  She still had feelings for him though she has tried to put them elsewhere.  But this is not why you are here Quistis, you are concerned for Zell.  "Before you came home he blacked out twice, now I suggested to him to visit Dr. Kadowaki but he refused."

"Quistis you know as well as I do that there is no way you can make him do anything, Zell is stubborn."

"I know that is why I am sending him on a vacation."

Caressing his scar Squall frowned worried for his friend, "I don't think that is a good idea he needs his friends around him."

Smiling Quistis had a feeling that there was more between the two young men then friendship.  She noticed it when they returned from Ultimecia's castle, some kind of bond between them, a bond that was stronger than the one between Squall and Rinoa.  "I am sending you on a mission."

Stormy eyes looked at her coldly, "Mission.  Send someone else."

Stopping herself from smiling she kept her face firm.  "I am sorry Squall but you are the only one who can do this mission."

Squall lifted his head with determination anger in his tone, "find someone else!"

With a mock sigh she shrugged, "Well, I will send Seifer with Zell on his vacation then seeing you don't want to do this mission."  She almost chuckled when she saw him sit up quickly.

"Over my dead body you will, I accept."  Crossing his arms Squall ignored her teasing.

"Good I knew you would," she smirked as she stood up.

"Whatever."

"Just find out why he is not sleeping properly, I think he is feeling guilty about Alexis death."  It was a hunch but one she could not be a hundred percent sure.

"Fine, when?"

"As soon as possible."

"Where?"

He never changes but that is what they all liked about him, if he was to change too much he wouldn't be Squall anymore.  "You choose just anywhere but Balamb."

"…" Good he had just the place, Esthar.  He would call his father to let him know that they were coming.  "We will leave tomorrow."

Quistis nodded in agreement.  "Excellent.  I will tell him or do you want to?"

Squall smirked, "I will just leave it with me."

"Okay.  Seifer has returned, Mission complete and a success," she chuckled looking at him, "I thought you might want to know."

Ignoring her Squall handed her his report opening the door for her to leave.  "Bye."

"Bye Commander," another chuckle as she walked out.

Grabbing his jacket Squall went in search of Zell.  Now he had to convince him it was a good idea, sometimes his friend could be difficult but one way or another he was going whether he wanted to or not!

He walked briskly towards the dormitory nodding his head now and again not having the faintest idea at who he was nodding at; he smirked to himself thinking of Zell, if he was here he would no each and everyone's name.

Turning the corner he hesitated in his steps a scowl appearing on his face, what the fuck was Seifer doing talking to his Zell?  Silently he watched them fire turning his stormy grey eyes to blazing blue/grey eyes.

***

Seifer could not believe how much Zell had changed since the last time he saw him.  This was definitely not the little fireball that he has come to know and like, even with all his taunting and teasing that Seifer was renowned for Zell just stood there staring blankly with dark shadows under his eyes.

"Zell I just--" come on Seifer now who is being a chicken wuss just spit it out.  "I just wanted to say I am sorry about you know…um…" shit Seifer you are pathetic.

Blinking Zell looked up at Seifer a small smile appearing on his face, he knew what Seifer was trying to say.  "Thanks Seifer."

Looking down at the petite blonde he lifted his arm his hand reaching out slowly towards Zell's shoulder, he let out a ragged breath that he had not realised he was holding.  He swallowed as his hand finally reached his shoulder giving a light squeeze, not liking what he felt.  "Shit Zell you're just a bag of bones, have you had lunch yet?"

Zell stiffened brushing his hand of, "shut the hell up man you sound just like Squall!"

"Well he's right and you know how much I hated admitting that."

Zell rolled his eyes.

Squall stood there watching his eyes tiny slits, the thought that Seifer touched Zell and made him smile made him want to grab hold of Lionheart then run it through the taller blonde's heart.  He took a deep breath to calm himself down, he wasn't jealous no, he was concerned but if Seifer touches him one more time…

"Zell!"

Turning Zell looked at Squall and rolled his eyes again mumbling, "I know lunch time."

Squall smirked nodding coolly at Seifer.

"Squall."  Seifer smirked leaning close to Zell's ear, he knew what Squall would think, hey he wasn't a bastard for nothing, he whispered softly, "take care Chicken."

"You too DH."

For good measure Seifer caressed the petite blondes cheek winking at Squall chuckling as he walked away, a little daunted at the look Squall gave him.  I see that stick is still up his arse, Squall was good looking but man he had an attitude problem and wondered what the hell made Zell become his friend and why should he give a damn about the little blonde?  He is cute that is why and he was the first one to speak to him after the Ultimecia downfall never mentioning what he had done.

Squall watched the taller blonde leave his body tense.

Tilting his head Zell watched in fascination the emotions flashing in his eyes, something was bothering him.  "You alright Squall?"

Ignoring him Squall frowned and started walking disturbed with the way Seifer had caressed Zell's cheek like they were lovers.  He stopped when he realised the little blond was not beside him; he turned around, "Zell?"

Feeling insecure Zell nervously pulled at the hem of his jumper, "H-Have I done something wrong?"

Surprised Squall could only stare at him, taking in the lost boy look that surrounded his friend.  I want the old Zell back.  I want the fireball of energy that bounces around with the spiky hair and mouths of when he shouldn't back.

Making his way towards him, his gloved hands held Zell's face gently, "No you haven't."  He could see the doubt in the sky blue depths.  "Really."  He sighed when Zell nodded and began to lose himself into the cerulean orbs of his friend.

Blushing Zell looked down at his feet afraid that his feelings for Squall would show.

"Let's go to lunch I need to talk to you."

"Sure Squall nothing bad I hope?" his eyes questioning.

"It depends on how you look at it now no more questions."

Zell started to worry about the 'talk'.  Was Squall going on another mission?  He just arrived back didn't he?

He started to bite his bottom lip not able to contain himself, blurting out quickly, "You are going on a mission aren't you?"

Keeping his face straight Squall nodded, "yes tomorrow."

"I see."  Disappointment flashed in his eyes then disappeared.  Well maybe it is for the best, hell Squall wasn't going to be around all the time and he has a life of his own with Rinoa.  Maybe this is Hyne's way of punishing me for…for…Alexis and I accept it fully.  Then why do I feel so sad inside?

Squall gave Zell a sidelong glance wishing he knew what the blonde was thinking sighing, "Quistis is sending you on vacation Zell."

"I see."  Maybe that is what I need to get away from Garden for a while; I don't think I could handle seeing all the gang once they have finished there missions.  "I will let ma know to expect me then."  He loved his ma but he did not want to burden her with his problems, she had enough of her own but he had no where else to go.  This thought depressed him his eyes closing as a wave of nausea ran through him.  Pull yourself together Zell you are a pathetic damn liar.

Squall stopped in mid-step his hand gently gripping Zell's wrist turning him around to face him, "you are not going home Zell you are coming with me."  Squall couldn't stand to see his friend so lost and forlorn, normally he could tease Zell but the way he was now he knew it was not a good idea and Squall wanted to protect him from everything.

Happiness spread through Zell as he lifted his head up quickly and he realised it was not a good idea as the walls began to swirl around him.  His body slumped against Squall's, he mumbled, "sorry baby."

Tensing Squall could only stare down at the blonde.  He called me baby…me…Squall, baby.  He shook himself, don't be an idiot Squall so what if he did, he probably isn't aware that word had slipped out.  "Zell I think a visit to Dr. Kadowaki is in order," his arms wrapping around the slender youth protectively.

"Please Squall I-I don't want to see her…the room…she…Alexis…I just can't face that room Squall not yet…please."

Zell clung to him tightly his eyes pleading, afraid and some other emotion that he couldn't put a finger on.  Quistis was right, something was going on inside of Zell's head and Squall is determined to find out what it is.  "Alright on one condition..."

"I will do anything Squall."

"Whatever I tell you to do you will listen…understood?"

Zell nodded with resignation, "Understood."

Squall nodded, "good, now we will feed you and no arguments."  For some reason Squall felt happy inside and was not ready to admit to himself why…

TBC

**Authors Note: Okay this was my third attempt at this chapter and it is not the best but I am sick of doing it and it is staying this bloody way.  I was going to rush it but that is something I cannot do and that pisses me of as well, anyway Moggies and Redrum this one is for you two.  Next chapter I do for you two I promise will be better.**


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